EXECUTIVE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT

WASHINGTON, D.C.

June 17th, 1972

Tonight, I come before you not with a message of war or peace abroad, nor to discuss the intricacies of domestic policy, but to address a matter of unexpected urgency—a situation so peculiar, so utterly unforeseen, that it might very well defy the very fabric of presidential precedent. We are, as it were, facing a crisis of a distinctly rodent nature. Yes, my fellow citizens, our nation's capital, the very heart of our democracy, has been besieged by none other than a group of industrious, if not misguided, beavers.

Now, let me be perfectly clear: when we envisioned the great American experiment, when we spoke of a government of the people, by the people, for the people, we did not anticipate that the animal kingdom would take such a literal interest in our civil engineering projects. Yet, here we find ourselves, confronting not a red menace from abroad, but a furry one at our doorsteps, diligently constructing what they must perceive to be the ultimate tribute to their dam-building prowess at the base of the Washington Monument.

Throughout my presidency, I have faced many challenges, from the war in Vietnam to the need for greater environmental protection. Yet, I must confess, the prospect of addressing our nation on the matter of beaver-related infrastructure challenges at our nation’s capital was not a contingency for which I had prepared. Indeed, one might suggest it falls somewhat outside the conventional purview of the Oval Office.

But as I have always said, the greatest honor history can bestow is the title of peacemaker. And so, tonight, I come to you not just as your President, but as a peacemaker—a peacemaker between the American people and the beavers of the Potomac.

In this light, I have directed the Department of the Interior to collaborate with the nation's foremost experts in beaver behavior to devise a plan for the safe and humane relocation of these laborious creatures. So to that they might continue their endeavors in a more suitable environment, far from the hallowed grounds of our capital. Let it not be said that this administration does not appreciate the value of hard work and determination, regardless of any semi-aquatic origins.

In the spirit of American ingenuity and resilience, let us not be deterred by the unexpected nature of this situation. Let us instead reflect on the lessons it presents. I cannot help but draw parallels between these beavers and certain members of our own esteemed government. Both parties, it seems, possess an unyielding determination to erect barriers, whether they be of logs and mud, or of inquiries and legislative filibusters. Indeed, one could even argue that our beaver compatriots are merely engaging in a form of political expression, albeit one that is, admittedly, rather inconvenient for those hoping to enjoy the scenic beauty of the National Mall.

In a time when division and discord seem to be the order of the day, perhaps we should take a moment to consider the beavers' single-minded focus on their task. There is, after all, a certain admirable quality to their teamwork and dedication. Might we, as a nation, find a way to channel that same energy into our collective endeavors? Could it be that, in the midst of our squabbles, we have overlooked the simple virtue of working together towards a common goal?

In addressing this matter, I am reminded of the words of Theodore Roosevelt, who once spoke of the man in the arena, who, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly. So too, it seems, have our beaver companions dared greatly, in their own unique fashion.

And so, as we confront this and all challenges domestic or abroad, let us do so with the same spirit of determination, of unity, and of respect for the natural world that has always defined us as Americans. Let us continue to strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield, as we work together to build a future that honors the legacy of those who have come before us.

Thank you, and good night. May God bless you all, and may He continue to bless these United States of America

Sincerely,